


the choices we make

by euigeon



Series: good love will find me [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, M/M, Unrequited Love, even i hate myself for writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 05:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15942536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euigeon/pseuds/euigeon
Summary: Donghyuck waits on someone who'll never be his. He waits and waits and waits and hopes his wounds don't get worse over time.





	the choices we make

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: unedited, unbeta'd, rushed, sucky grammar, sucky ending, sucky everything
> 
> edit: just to be clear!! this isn't non!au!!! lol they aren't in nct

It’s a bit weird, Donghyuck thinks, how you could know a person for the longest time and only notice the finer details after a while.

It is a part of growing up, after all, but it’s weird seeing it on someone you’ve been practically tied to forever. What he’d always seen was the lanky nerd with the owlish eyes who got a little too excited about the smallest things. He knew the kid who would be blind without his prescription glasses, who'd trip on his own feet, and practiced too hard to learn the guitar with his puny hands. He’d only seen the kid his parents told him to look after and in turn would look after him back.

With time comes maturity and suddenly he doesn’t really know the kid he’s spent more than half of his life with.

This guy sitting across Donghyuck at the library isn’t lanky anymore; he has broad shoulders from when he started dancing and working out. This guy has inconsiderately sped past him when it comes to height, and now stands a few inches taller than Donghyuck. There’s the voice that dropped an octave that makes chills run up Donghyuck’s spine, especially when Mark talks lowly and in hushed tones, only enough for the two of them to hear. Mark has become unfairly attractive, as much as Donghyuck doesn’t want to admit, and all the confessions he’s received throughout high school is a testament to this.

Pushing past all of these changes, Donghyuck still sees the same person he’d been stuck with for the longest time. Mark is still the familiar, but slightly-less nerdy kid, who wears the Harry Potter glasses, who is still the biggest sucker for cookies and cream ice cream, who has the stupidest smile and laugh, and the prettiest owlish eyes.

Donghyuck thinks it’s _very_ weird.

That he’s been around someone so long, and only falls hard years after for the same kid who’s always been beside him.

 

 

“Hey, Mark.”

Mark lifts his head to look at Donghyuck from across the table. “What.”

Donghyuck hesitates for a split second. “You look good today.”

Mark narrows his eyes at him. “How much money do you need?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “I don’t need money.”

“What trouble did you get yourself into this time?”

Donghyuck scoffs. “What kind of person do you think I am? I just think you look good today. That’s all.” _And yesterday. And tomorrow. And the day after that. Next year too. And the next. And—_

Mark quirks a brow. “Thanks. You look good too, Hyuck.”

A smile creeps its way to Donghyuck’s lips. “Tell me something I don't know.”

 

 

Donghyuck knows better than to make something of this attraction.

He’s seen far too many movies and listened to too many songs about heartbreak to know that confessing is out of the page. It also helps that Mark insists on referring to Donghyuck as his friend and _only_ his friend.

There are words he can’t say without making it awkward, and things he can’t do without passing it off as a joke.

Donghyuck learns how to create boundaries.

But everyone learns to walk before they learn how to run so he does it slowly. He tries not to get excited when he sees Mark’s name flash on his phone; tries to play it off like it’s nothing when he feels his heart skip a beat when they meet.

He keeps to himself more than he usually does and hopes that no one else will notice.

Mark doesn’t, so it’s all good.

 

 

It’s easy to joke about their friendship when they do it too often.

Then there are moments where it seems too real and too genuine for it to be fake. Then it becomes a little difficult.

Donghyuck just laughs it off when Mark wipes the spit on his cheeks with the back of his hand after being on the receiving end of a big fat smooch. Or when Mark tells him that he’s sick of his face for being around it more or less 10 hours a day at least five days a week.

None of it matters anyway, because at the end of the day, Mark always goes back to Donghyuck.

Mark admits this once when they're hanging out on the rooftop of someone’s apartment building, stupidly tipsy at one of their first college freshman parties, when Donghyuck rants about feeling invisible and unimportant while he's half-drunk.

“You’re my person,” Mark says with a goofy smile, gently setting the bottle he’s nursing on the floor beside his feet, careful not to make any sound that would give away their location to the other rowdy freshmen. Donghyuck doesn’t say anything and watches him intently under the soft glow of moonlight. “You’re always going to be my person.”

Donghyuck snorts. “Please. We wouldn’t even be friends if our parents weren’t. Sometimes, I actually believe my parents pay you to keep me company. You’re with me because you don’t have a choice.” Donghyuck has learned to say it without it sounding bitter.

Mark pouts. “That’s—”

“True? Correct? Accurate?”

“A lie,” Mark finishes, shoving Donghyuck back slightly with a frown. “Or. I don’t know. Maybe it is true, to a certain extent. Maybe I wouldn’t take a second glance at you if we met today. Maybe you wouldn’t ever breathe in my direction if we didn’t know each other from the start.”

“Lee Donghyuck one, Lee Mark zero.”

“But I’m still here,” Mark continues. He turns his head to look at Donghyuck and stares right into his eyes. “Doesn’t that mean something?”

Donghyuck rips his gaze away. He still feels Mark’s eyes on him.

“Nine million people in this city, twenty-six thousand students in our campus, several dozens of freshmen in this party, and it’s still the two of us here.”

Donghyuck holds his breath, thinking it would help stop his heart from beating too fast. It doesn’t.

“At this point, it’s not about who’s forced to look out for each other.” Mark shrugs, pulling his gaze away to look at the view in front of where they sat. “It’s about who wants and who chooses to stay no matter how many other people come along.”

Donghyuck licks his lips in thought, still unconvinced. “You’re being too kind. You would take the first chance to get rid of me the moment you see it and you know it.”

“That’s not true,” Mark shakes his head and takes Donghyuck’s hand in his. “For the record, I never mean it when I say that I’m sick of you. I’m happy that you chose to stay in my life. I'll always choose you too."

In this moment, Donghyuck believes he’s never been more content being here, being reassured that even though it might not be permanent, he has that spot in Mark’s life. That he’s gotten significant enough to be Mark’s person. That, at least, he hasn’t been delusional when it comes to their friendship.

This he could accept. Donghyuck wishes he could put it on pause forever.

_Huh. Lee Donghyuck zero, Lee Mark one._

“You like me because your ass can’t cook and I can.”

“Fast food exists, Donghyuck,” Mark gently puts his heavy head on Donghyuck’s shoulder. “But who am I kidding? Your food tastes much better. Still my first pick.”

Donghyuck wishes this could be his forever.

 

 

Again, Donghyuck knows better than to lead himself on, so he psyches himself out and doesn’t let himself succumb to the satisfaction of having Mark around.

Donghyuck learns how to detach meaning from the small things: good mornings and good nights, the inside jokes, shared items, the pet names, and the playlists they’ve shared between each other.

Then, eventually, the bigger things: the spontaneous and slightly exorbitant presents on important occasions, how they’re both each other’s emergency contacts while they’re away from their family, the promises, the future they’ve planned, the nights they spend together – Donghyuck forces himself to believe that they all mean little to nothing to himself.

At some point, Donghyuck learns how to put his feelings inside a box, lock it up, hide it from plain sight and simply forget. He learns to move on. Or get used to the pain. Either way, it helps him believe that he has his life together; that his walls are stable enough even when there are gaps and missing bricks threatening to destroy what he’s kept up and standing for so long. He ignores what’s broken because he can’t fix them; believes that what he has is enough for now.

He thinks it’s funny sometimes that Mark has all the capability of keeping him from falling apart.

And is also the only person who can break him down into a rubble.

 

 

The inevitable comes one day and it’s all too soon.

Mark suddenly calls Donghyuck up to meet at the coffee shop, says it’s urgent because he’s freaking out.

“I think I like someone.”

Five words is all it takes for Donghyuck’s heart to break.

Of course, he doesn’t let himself crumble into pieces right there and then because that would be unfair, so he tries to act like the best friend he’s supposed to be. He throws his feelings aside because Mark’s feelings comes first, and if he’s happy then Donghyuck supposes he could be too.

Mark talks about Jaemin like he’s a dream, that he’s the most lovable person ever, he’s kind, and funny, and dances so beautifully that it’s impossible not to fall in love with him when he’s on stage. Jaemin has the prettiest smile and the most calming and soothing voice and Donghyuck can tell just from listening to Mark talk about him for ten minutes that he’s truly, madly, crazily in love.

The jealousy comes because Donghyuck would kill to have Mark talk about him so highly like that, but it goes as easily as it arrives because more than his strong desire for his best friend, he wants to see Mark happy. And if Jaemin could be what makes Mark happy, then the least Donghyuck could do is be supportive and hold on to the small, thin, fraying thread of hope that it doesn’t change what they already have.

 

 

Maybe he’s asking for too much.

The problem with having feelings for a friend is that you can’t really go past anything else that’s considered normal between the two of you. And it’s an even bigger problem when a third person enters the picture.

The new normal becomes even less.

Less time to talk, less time to hang out. Suddenly there are secrets between the two of them; things that Mark can confide in Jaemin that he can't talk about with Donghyuck. There are moments where he takes ages to reply because he’s with Jaemin. Donghyuck slowly loses the one person he never wanted to lose from his corner, and he can’t say anything about it.

Sooner or later, Jaemin would replace Donghyuck in Mark's frequent contacts.

Jaemin wouldn’t be okay with Donghyuck's fake kisses and his clinginess. Jaemin wouldn’t be okay with Donghyuck cuddling with Mark when he can't sleep.

Donghyuck would become second best to Jaemin one day and Donghyuck doesn’t know if he’s ever going to be ready for that.

Nine million people in Seoul, twenty-six thousand students in campus.

Mark finally finds someone to choose over Donghyuck.

 

 

“Why do I feel like we haven’t seen each other in forever,” Mark says as he slips into the booth across Donghyuck. They meet at a diner they used to frequent and it brings back too many memories of cups of coffee and all-nighters. Donghyuck can’t even remember the last time they were here together at the same time.

“Because we haven’t,” Donghyuck mutters as he pushes his textbooks and papers aside to make space for food the waiter puts down on their table.

Mark sighs. “I’m sorry. I promise I’ll make more time.”

Donghyuck can’t complain. He doesn’t the have the right to, so he sits there and accepts the empty promise. “It’s fine. Just—”

He locks eyes with Mark and realizes that he looks really happy. So, what was he going to do about that?

“Call me from time to time. Let me know that you’re still alive or something,” Donghyuck says in an attempt to lighten up the mood. “How’s Jaemin?”

Mark grins from ear to ear. “We’re amazing.”

 

 

Donghyuck gives himself some time to get over the pain.

He is prepared for this. He knew it was going to happen eventually. He’s always known not to let get feelings in the way of their friendship, so he courses through life and hopes that the pain goes away on its own. Hopes the bruises and wounds heal at one point.

He waits and waits and waits.

And hopes that the wounds don’t get worse over time.

 

 

Mark and Jaemin have their first big fight and it’s really ugly.

Mark appears at Donghyuck’s door in the middle of the night, mood sour and absolutely sulky. He plops onto Donghyuck’s bed and hands his phone over, mumbling something about being too tired and too pissed to explain, so he lets Donghyuck read through his messages instead.

Their fight starts off pretty mild. Something about Mark needing to cancel their plans since he hadn’t been doing well in a subject. Then it snowballs into Jaemin telling him that he feels like Mark doesn’t have enough time for him and hasn’t been around lately. Mark goes on to argue that he doesn’t know where Jaemin is coming from, since the reason he _is_ behind some of his classes is because he’d been hanging out with Jaemin too much. Then at some point, Mark had just stopped replying and opted to take his mind off of things by making the trip to Donghyuck's dorm room.

The chance to confess presents itself, and as much as the devil on Donghyuck’s shoulder is telling him to take advantage of it, he chooses not to.

“He’s calling,” Donghyuck tells him quietly, setting the phone gently on Mark’s lap, Jaemin’s name glowing in white with a red heart beside it. “You should answer it.”

“I don’t want to.” Mark turns his head and hugs one throw pillow closer to his chest. “I feel like I should break things off.”

Donghyuck could simply say _do it_ , and he knows Mark would. And everything would go back to the way it was before. All Mark needed was the smallest push.

Donghyuck starts again, “I think that you two just need to talk this out and—”

Mark frowns. “Whose side are you on?”

Donghyuck’s mouth falls open. “Yours. Is that even a question? God, I’m always on your side. Even when we both know you’re wrong, I’m on your side. Even when you’re not on mine anymore, I’m always on yours.”

Mark hangs his head down low, avoiding Donghyuck’s eyes.

“I’m telling you to fix things with Jaemin, not because I think he’s right,” Donghyuck explains carefully. “It’s because I know you care too much about him and you love him too much to let all of this circle down the drain. Maybe he’s right. Maybe you’re right. You won’t know, not until you let him explain and not until you tell him what’s bothering you.”

Donghyuck scoots closer and reaches for Mark’s hand, tangling it with his.

“You don’t give up that easily when it’s the person you love.”

Mark lifts his head slightly, peeking at Donghyuck through his hair. Donghyuck’s gaze falls on Mark’s lips and he wants _so badly_ to lean forward and kiss it raw. He holds Mark's hands tighter.

“You move mountains to make them happy. You try to understand even if it doesn’t make any sense. You just don’t give up. Not when they mean the world to you.”

 

 

Mark leaves Donghyuck’s dorm while he's on the phone with Jaemin, promising they’d see each other in the morning and talk it out just like what Donghyuck told him to do.

Not even a week later, Donghyuck meets both Mark and Jaemin for lunch, and he can’t see any trace of the fight that had taken place that evening. Jaemin is happy in Mark’s arms, and Mark looks the most content Donghyuck has seen him in a long while.

Donghyuck nods and pats himself on the back, knowing he’d made the right decision to urge Mark to give him and Jaemin another chance.

He’d never be able to forgive himself if he ever became the hindrance between Mark and his happiness.

 

 

Donghyuck imagines taking the leap one too many times.

He imagines and reimagines scenarios where he’s brave enough to beg Mark to see him as more than a friend. Sometimes, it turns out well. He deludes himself into thinking that Mark is capable of liking him the same way.

Most of the time, Donghyuck knows it wouldn’t work out; knows that Mark’s feelings for him ends at being best friends.

He confesses once for real when he thinks Mark can’t hear.

They’re on a bus and Donghyuck wouldn’t stop chattering Mark’s ears off about his wishlist for Christmas.

Eventually, Mark pulls out his buds and shoves them in his ears, closing his eyes to tune Donghyuck out. Knowing Mark, he probably had the volume cranked up to the highest.

Beside him, Donghyuck huffs. “I want those new Nike shoes we saw the other day.”

Mark doesn’t respond.

“That Michael Jackson vinyl record. I still have Thriller missing in my collection.”

Nothing.

Donghyuck pouts and weighs his options. This is the one time he can say this out loud without meaning it as a joke. This is the one time he can say it without being rejected.

_There’s no turning back for me._

“Mark, I love you. And I wish you’d love me back.”

He waits.

Nothing.

Donghyuck sighs and leans back into his seat, feeling half-contented and half-disappointed at the same time.

He’d never say it again, and he’d have to live never knowing what Mark would ever say back.

It’s for the best.

 

 

For the first time ever, Donghyuck books a train back to his hometown without Mark.

Jaemin’s family had invited Mark to spend winter break with them at Seoul and he’s really excited about it.

Mark helps Donghyuck pack, makes sure that he doesn’t leave anything behind, and offers to see him off at the train station.

They wait until the crowd thins before he walks Donghyuck to his platform, handing him a poorly-wrapped present.

“If this is another picture frame of your face, I’m shipping it to Jaemin. At least it’ll be in the hands of someone who actually wants it,” Donghyuck glares at Mark through his lashes upon feeling the gift.

“Oh, you’ll love this one. I promise,” Mark chuckles. The PA system calls passengers for the final time and Donghyuck moves to board the train, but a hand wrapped around his keeps him planted on his spot. "Hyuck."

 Donghyuck frowns up at him. “Why are you making it seem like I’m going away to war—”

“You know you’ll always be my person, right?” Mark tells him. There’s a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m always on your side and I know you’re always on mine.”

Donghyuck feels his throat drying up. He doesn’t say anything as Mark pulls him in for a long, tight hug.

“You’ll always have me,” Mark whispers, lips hovering slightly above his ear. When he pulls away, he motions for Donghyuck to get on his train as the whistle blows, signalling it's departure.

Donghyuck watches him wordlessly through the window until the train closes its doors and starts running.

 

 

His heart stops when he opens Mark’s present and finds what he's wanted to receive exactly.

The Michael Jackson Thriller vinyl record that’s missing from his collection. He doesn’t ever remember telling Mark about it, other than that time he thought when Mark couldn’t hear.

There’s a note taped to the back of the plastic cover, written neatly and carefully.

_I love you too, Donghyuck._

Donghyuck knows it isn’t the same, but he thinks he could live with this.

This could be his forever.

**Author's Note:**

> this bitch loves unrequited love because there is so much PAIN
> 
> i'm never gonna feel happy again while listening to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4ls58HuUoA) and [this song.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmZoGaS54yU)
> 
> And the earphones confession ;__; was supposed to be a separate prompt i made a long time ago for another ship but idk when i'll ever get to write that so i put it here instead awwww
> 
> STREAM WE GO UP


End file.
